The Produce Aisle
by Capt. Janeway
Summary: The long-awaited parody detailing the incredible adventures of Scully and Doggett in the supermarket!! :)
1. The Start of the Pandemonium . . .

"The Produce Aisle,"  
by Capt. Janeway  
  
SUMMARY: The incredible adventures of Scully and Doggett in the supermarket!  
  
RATING: G  
  
DISCLAIMER: Okay, folks, here's a list of stuff that doesn't belong to me:  
  
1. X-Files (well, duh!!)  
2. Any of the characters from X-Files (again, duh!)  
3. Wonder Bread  
4. Jaguar cars  
5. McDonald's  
6. Faith Hill's "The Way You Love Me"  
  
If there's anything else mentioned in here that belongs to other people, then it  
doesn't belong to me. So, please, don't sue me. I'm just an incredibly bored female Starfleet captain  
stuck in the middle of the Delta Quadrant with a tattooed bonehead for a first officer, and I am  
therefore not responsible for my random acts of insanity. (A little bit of Star Trek: Voyager thrown in  
there, folks. Sorry!)   
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanx to the "Crystalline Entity" (a.k.a. my Daddy) for giving me the  
idea of putting 'em all in the supermarket and mentioning that somebody should try buying a gum ball . .  
. Idunno what I'd do without him here to bail me out!!  
  
FEEDBACK: Yes, of course!! Please!! That's my purpose for being alive: if I don't get  
feedback, I'll cease to exist!! (Just jokin' . . . kinda) Also, please go easy on the flames . . . I'm a very  
sensitive girl. *sniffle!* Thanx!! ;)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Inside Assistant Director SKINNER's office. We see him sitting at his desk, staring  
blankly at his computer monitor. SKINNER is physically there, but it is apparent that he's not there  
mentally. Suddenly, he starts sneezing and coughing violently as SCULLY and DOGGETT enter:)  
  
SKINNER (sounding very plugged-up): Oh! Agents . . . come in.  
  
(SCULLY enters and sits down in a chair. DOGGETT shuts the door and then takes his seat  
next to SCULLY.)  
  
SCULLY: You called, sir?  
  
SKINNER: Yes, Agents, I've got a very important mission for you, if you think you can handle it.  
  
DOGGETT (impatiently): What is it, sir?  
  
SKINNER: I need you to go get some things from the supermarket for me . . . I've got a really awful  
cold, so I can't go . . .   
  
SCULLY: Sir, I'm sure that we can help you out.  
  
DOGGETT: You got a list?  
  
SKINNER: Uh, yeah. (he gets the little piece of paper out of his desk drawer) Here you go . . . I, uh,  
really appreciate this, Agents . . .  
  
SCULLY: Can we get a raise for this?  
  
SKINNER (glaring at her): We'll see . . .   
  
DOGGETT: Is that all, sir?  
  
SKINNER: Yeah. That's all, Agents. Thanks.  
  
SCULLY (cheerily): Any time, sir!  
  
(SCULLY and DOGGETT exit; we can hear SCULLY just before she leaves:)  
  
SCULLY (angrily muttering under her breath): Cheapskate!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: In the parking lot for "Unpack & Spend" supermarket. We see DOGGETT who is  
driving and SCULLY in the passenger seat pull up in their car. The camera focuses on them as  
they try to look for a parking space:)  
  
SCULLY (looking at SKINNER's grocery list): What the heck is all this stuff Skinner buys?! "Rice  
protein patties"? "Yamashuri's All-Natural & Super-Duper-Organic Tofu Bread"?  
  
DOGGETT (focusing his attention on the search for a place to park): Ooooooh!! There's one--Aww,  
man! It's taken by a stupid motorcycle!!  
  
SCULLY (continuing): Why can't he just ask for a plain old hamburger patty from the deli and a loaf of  
Wonder Bread?!  
  
DOGGETT: Yes!!! I FINALLY found one--Oh, no. Never mind. A shopping cart's in the middle of  
that one.  
  
SCULLY: Well, why don't you get out and move the cart, then?  
  
DOGGETT: I can't get out!! I'm driving! You move the cart.  
  
SCULLY: No way!! I'm not getting out!!  
  
DOGGETT: Why not?  
  
SCULLY: Hmmmm . . . I don't know . . . I just don't feel like it.  
  
DOGGETT (rolling his eyes): You women and your measly FEELINGS!!  
  
SCULLY: Get out and move the cart, Agent Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT: No! You move the cart.  
  
SCULLY: No, YOU move the cart!!  
  
DOGGETT: You move the cart!!  
  
SCULLY: You move the cart!!  
  
DOGGETT: You move the cart!!  
  
SCULLY: You move the cart!!  
  
DOGGETT: I'm not moving the cart unless you're moving the cart!!  
  
SCULLY: Ditto!!  
  
DOGGETT: Oh, yeah?!  
  
SCULLY: Yeah!!  
  
DOGGETT: Fine!! You go move the cart!!  
  
SCULLY: I don't think so!!  
  
DOGGETT: Why not?!  
  
SCULLY (pulling out her gun and pointing it menacingly in DOGGETT's direction): Get out of the car  
and move the cart, Agent Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT (staring nervously at the gun): Ooookay, then! I'm outta here!!  
  
(DOGGETT gets out of the car and shoves the cart out of the parking space. He walks back  
to the car and pulls the car in. The two agents get out.)  
  
SCULLY (sweetly as she gets out of the car and locks it): Thank you, Agent Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT (glaring at SCULLY): Any time, Agent Scully.  
  
(The camera follows DOGGETT and SCULLY as they make their way through the parking  
lot, toward the supermarket. They keep walking until they see a PUNK KID complete with spiked  
green hair, two lip rings, an eyebrow ring, and jeans that look like they were made for someone about  
ten times his size breaking into a very expensive-looking new Jaguar.)  
  
SCULLY: Excuse me sir, but what are you doing to that car?  
  
PUNK KID (as he holds a crowbar in midair over a window to smash it): Ummm . . . Idunno. What  
does it look like I'm doing?  
  
DOGGETT: It looks like you're breaking into a brand new Jaguar.  
  
PUNK KID (trying to quickly come up with a decent excuse): Ummm . . . No? I, uh, actually, um, just  
locked my keys in the car. I'm trying to get them. Yeah, that's it!!  
  
SCULLY: Oh, no, that's not possible, sir.  
  
PUNK KID (panicking): What?! Why?!  
  
SCULLY: Why, don't you know that, in addition to beautiful leather seats and a deluxe stereo sound  
system, all Jaguars are equipped with an outstanding security system, which prevents you from locking  
your keys in the car?  
  
DOGGETT: And were you also aware of the fact that it won Auto-Freaks' Golden Wheel of Prestige  
Award for the past three years in a row?  
  
PUNK KID (starting to get a little annoyed with this whole ordeal): Really.  
  
SCULLY: Yes! Luxury, quality, and safety all rolled into one stunning package.  
  
DOGGETT (stepping toward the camera): Jaguar: The Art of Performance!  
  
PUNK KID: Well, that's nice, but I think I'll get back to stealing--I mean, trying to get into my car.  
  
SCULLY: Well, all right, then, I hope you have a good day, sir.  
  
PUNK KID (confused): Uh, yeah . . . thanks.  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah, take care of yourself!  
  
(DOGGETT and SCULLY start to walk toward the supermarket again as the PUNK KID  
smashes a window on the Jaguar with his crowbar.)  
  
SCULLY: Well, he was nice.  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah. It's too bad more kids aren't more like him. The world would definitely be a better  
place.  
  
(DOGGETT and SCULLY keep walking until they finally reach the entrance of Unpack &  
Spend. A trio of Girl Scouts immediately swarm around them:)  
  
GIRL SCOUT #1: Hi, there!  
  
GIRL SCOUT #2: Would you like to buy some cookies to help support our troop?  
  
GIRLS SCOUT #3: It's number 456,988,24*3*.  
  
GIRL SCOUT #2: We've got peanut butter, chocolate mint, those things with fruit in the center, the  
icky fat-free stuff . . .  
  
SCULLY (trying not to offend them): Uh, well, um . . . I think we'll have to pass today . . .  
  
DOGGETT: We already bought some from troop number 456,988,24*2*.  
  
GIRL SCOUT #3: Ugh!! How can you DO that?! The girls in that troop are so ugly and mean!!  
  
GIRL SCOUT #1 (menacingly): C'mon! You wanna buy some . . . I just KNOW you do, 'cause  
you're nice people, right?  
  
GIRL SCOUT #2: How could you say "no" to us?  
  
GIRL SCOUT #3 (begging): We really need the money . . .  
  
GIRL SCOUT #1: What do you say?  
  
DOGGETT: I say you need to rethink your selling technique. C'mon, Agent Scully, let's go get  
Skinner's cra--uh, food.  
  
GIRL SCOUT #2: Oh, no you don't!!  
  
GIRL SCOUT #1: You're not going inside there unless you buy some cookies!!  
  
GIRLS SCOUT #2: Let's get 'em!!  
  
(Suddenly, GIRL SCOUT #1 and GIRL SCOUT #2 tackle SCULLY and start punching her,  
while GIRL SCOUT #3 picks up a baseball bat from behind the table and brandishes it in front of  
DOGGETT.)   
  
SCULLY (screaming at the top of her lungs): HELP!! AH!! EEEEEEK!! NO!!! NOT THERE!!   
I'M PREG--(suddenly remembering that DOGGETT is there:) I'M TENDER THERE!!!   
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!   
  
DOGGETT (rescuing SCULLY and pulling out his gun): BACK!! BACK YOU EIGHT-YEAR-OLD  
SCUM!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!  
  
GIRL SCOUT #1: Aaaaaaah!!  
  
GIRL SCOUT #3: Look out!  
  
GIRL SCOUT #2: He's got a gun!!  
  
(The three girl scouts run back to their table and hide underneath it, peering out from time to  
time to look at SCULLY and DOGGETT.)  
  
DOGGETT: You okay?  
  
SCULLY: Yeah . . .  
  
(SCULLY and DOGGETT walk through the automatic doors and into Unpack & Spend.   
DOGGETT immediately spots a gum ball machine:)  
  
SCULLY (taking notice of DOGGETT's eyeballing the gum ball machine): Agent Doggett, what are  
you doing?  
  
DOGGETT: Just getting something from the gum ball machine, Agent Scully.  
  
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Tell you what, Agent Doggett: How about we meet in the health food aisle,  
since that's where most of Skinner's stuff probably is.  
  
DOGGETT: Okay! See you in a few minutes, then.  
  
(SCULLY grabs a shopping cart and walks off. DOGGETT, meanwhile, puts a quarter in the  
gum ball machine. He twists the little knob, but nothing happens. He tries to twist the knob even more,  
but it won't budge.)  
  
DOGGETT: They just don't make 'em like they used to, I guess . . .  
  
(DOGGETT steps back and stares at the gum ball machine for a little while, before getting an  
idea. He steps back up to the gum ball machine and gives it a good kick. Still, nothing happens.   
DOGGETT kicks it again, and again, and again, each time with the same results . . .)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Near the bakery section. SCULLY looks as though she's ready to drool all over the  
cakes and cookies she's looking at. Unnoticed by SCULLY, the Lone Gunmen walk by. They notice  
her, but she still doesn't notice them, as she's too busy staring wistfully at a huge double-decker  
chocolate cake in the display case.)  
  
LANGLY (to FROHIKE): Is that Scully?!  
  
FROHIKE: Looks like her to me!  
  
BYERS: She's staring at a . . . cake?  
  
FROHIKE: Well, you know how that goes . . . The writers had her get pregnant, remember?  
  
LANGLY: Yeah, maybe she's got cravings or something.  
  
(Suddenly, a BAKER steps out with one of those little cookie tins toward SCULLY, while the  
Lone Gunmen watch the events unfold:)  
  
BAKER: Hello, ma'am. Would you like to try a cookie? They're fresh from the oven.  
  
SCULLY (her eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Really? What kind of cookies are they?  
  
BAKER (chuckling in a good-natured fashion): Well, there are a whole bunch of them!! There's  
chocolate chip, peanut butter, peanut butter with chocolate chips, chocolate with peanut butter chips . .  
.  
  
SCULLY (staring at the cookies in a near-trance): Mmmmmmmmm . . .   
  
BAKER: . . . Regular plain old cookie dough with the chocolate atoms and the peanut butter atoms in a  
double-covalent bond fused together with uranium to create a nice glow . . .  
  
SCULLY: Mmmmmmm . . . chocolate!!! Must . . . have . . . chocolate!!  
  
BAKER: Well, all right, then. Here's your chocolate chip cookie.  
  
(BAKER gives SCULLY a chocolate chip cookie, which SCULLY gobbles greedily.)  
  
SCULLY (wiping the crumbs from her mouth): MORE!!! MUST HAVE MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!!  
  
BAKER: I'm, uh, sorry, but I can only give away one cookie per person, ma'am.  
  
SCULLY (screaming frantically): MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!  
  
BAKER: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can only give one cookie to each person. You'll have to buy some if  
you want more.  
  
(SCULLY turns around and, seeing BYERS, grabs him by the neck and drags him to the  
BAKER. Immediately, LANGLY and FROHIKE rush to their comrade's side:)  
  
LANGLY: Hey, what're you doing?!  
  
FROHIKE: We need to have him around so we can get on his nerves!!  
  
SCULLY (giving a slightly insane laugh): Hee-heee!!!! These three guys want . . . CHOCOLATE!!!  
*I* uh, I mean *THEY* MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! GIVE THEM CHOCOLATE!!!!   
NOW!!!!!  
  
FROHIKE: Actually, I'm deathly allergic to chocolate . . .   
  
SCULLY: YOU WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!! YOU MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!! YOU ALL  
MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!  
  
LANGLY: Yo, Frohike! Let's get out of here, man, before she insists we gotta have fruitcake, too!  
  
FROHIKE: Good idea, Langly.  
  
SCULLY (screaming insanely with horror): NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE!!! YOU  
MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!! I MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! WE ALL MUST HAVE  
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
BYERS (whose neck is being squeezed more and more by SCULLY's hands): Uhhhh . . . guys? I  
think we'd better do as she says . . .   
  
SCULLY: CHOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOLAAAAATTE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
BAKER (not sure as to what she should do): Ummmm . . . here you go. (she hands cookies to each of  
the Lone Gunmen; then decides for good measure:) Here! Take two or three! However many you  
like!!   
  
SCULLY: Heee-heee!!! Chocolate!!  
  
BAKER: Ummm . . . now . . . You four have a, uh, good day, okay? 'Bye!  
  
(BAKER runs back into the bakery to hide, while SCULLY snatches the cookies away from  
the Lone Gunmen, releasing BYERS from her death-grip in the process. She gobbles them down in a  
frenzy, as the Lone Gunmen try to slowly back away from the craving-raged FBI agent.)  
  
BYERS (whispering): Okay, if we're just really quiet, then maybe she won't bother us anymore.  
  
FROHIKE (shivering): Definitely cravings.  
  
LANGLY: Why didn't the writers warn us about this?  
  
BYERS: Nobody could've predicted something like this . . .   
  
LANGLY: Wait a minute . . . isn't Capt. Janeway the author of this fic?  
  
FROHIKE: Yeah.  
  
LANGLY: That explains it, then.  
  
(The Lone Gunmen finally manage to sneak their way out of the bakery section, and they now  
run away as SCULLY wipes the crumbs from her face.)  
  
SCULLY: Mmmm . . . chocolate was good, but . . . APPLE JUICE!!!! MUST HAVE APPLE  
JUICE!!!!! AAAAAAAARGH!!!! APPLE JUICE!!!! WHERE IS THE APPLE JUICE?!  
  
ANONYMOUS FEMALE SHOPPER STANDING BEHIND SCULLY: Aisle 8!!  
  
SCULLY (politely): Thank you!   
  
(SCULLY runs off toward Aisle 8, still screaming:)  
  
SCULLY: APPLE JUICE!!!!! MUST HAVE APPLE JUICE!!!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: In Aisle 7 the foreign foods aisle. We see MULDER looking at a shelf of packages  
of tortillas, trying to figure out which brand he should buy. Suddenly, the Lone Gunmen come running  
down the aisle and bump into MULDER. All four guys collapse in a dog pile.)  
  
MULDER: What the heck?! Byers? Langly? Frohike? What're you all doing here?  
  
BYERS: Well, uh . . .   
  
LANGLY: We, uh . . .   
  
FROHIKE: You see, uh . . .   
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: MULDER!! YOU'RE BACK!!  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Yeah, surprise, surprise. Capt. Janeway dredged me up for another fanfic . .  
. Will that woman ever leave me alone?! I mean, I do need breaks once in a while . . .  
  
BYERS: Mulder, Scully's gone insane.  
  
LANGLY: She's got cravings!  
  
FROHIKE: Really big cravings!!  
  
MULDER: What? Cravings? Why?  
  
BYERS: Don't you remember?! The writers had her get pregnant!!  
  
MULDER: Oh! Yeah!! That's right!! What has she been craving?  
  
LANGLY: Well, first it was chocolate chip cookies . . .   
  
FROHIKE: . . . And now it's apple juice.  
  
MULDER: Apple juice?  
  
BYERS: Apple juice.  
  
MULDER: Well, what're we going to do?  
  
FROHIKE: We were hoping you'd have the answer to that question.  
  
MULDER (rolling his eyes): Why do I always have to be the one coming up with plans of action?!   
WHY?! Why can't somebody ELSE be intelligent once in a while . . . Give me a break!!  
  
BYERS: But, Mulder, you've got to do something!  
  
MULDER: YOU do something!  
  
LANGLY: We already tried doing something!  
  
BYERS: Yeah, and I almost got strangled by Scully in the process!  
  
MULDER (sighing): Oh, all right. Where is she?  
  
BYERS: Aisle 8.  
  
MULDER: All right, you three better come with me just in case I need backup. Got it?  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Got it!  
  
(MULDER and the Lone Gunmen cautiously walk over to Aisle 8. We see that SCULLY is  
ripping open huge bottles of apple juice:)  
  
SCULLY: Mmmmm!!! APPLE JUICE!! YUMMY!!! AAAAH!! MUST HAVE MORE APPLE  
JUICE!!! (she rips open another bottle of APPLE JUICE:) MUST HAVE MORE APPLE JUICE!!!  
  
MULDER (shocked): What the heck?! Why didn't you guys tell me it was this bad?!  
  
FROHIKE: Well, we tried, but you kept being rude to us!!  
  
LANGLY (angrily): Yeah!  
  
SCULLY: FE-FI-FO-FUM!! APPLE JUICE SURE DOES TASTE . . . (trying to come up with  
something that rhymes with "fun":) YUM!!  
  
MULDER: Okay, I'll handle this, guys.  
  
BYERS: We knew you could assume your old role, Mulder!!!  
  
LANGLY: Yeah!! Go, Mulder!!  
  
(The Lone Gunmen continue to cheer-on MULDER as he walks up to SCULLY as she slurps  
down some more apple juice:)  
  
MULDER: Hey, Scully, what're you doing?  
  
SCULLY: APPLE JUICE!!!! APPLE JUICE!!!!! APPLE JUI--MULDER?!  
  
MULDER: Yeah, Scully?  
  
SCULLY: Mulder?  
  
MULDER: Scully?  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!  
  
MULDER: Scully!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
FROHIKE: Hey, Mulder, Scully!  
  
LANGLY: You okay?  
  
MULDER (continuing): Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back at the gum ball machine near the entrance to Unpack & Spend. DOGGETT is  
still kicking the thing:)  
  
DOGGETT: Awww, this stinks!! Give me the stupid gum ball, already!!  
  
(He kicks the gum ball machine some more . . .)  
  
DOGGETT: C'mon!!! C'mon!!! C'mon, you stupid thing!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back in Aisle 8:)  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: SHUT-UP, ALREADY!!!!!  
  
MULDER (abruptly snapping out of it): Huh?! Wha--?!  
  
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes): Wha What happened?  
  
BYERS: Well, it's a bit of a lengthy story . . .  
  
FROHIKE: Scully just went insane, and Mulder was trying to get her out of it.  
  
SCULLY: Oh.  
  
MULDER (giving a nonchalant shrug): Business as usual.  
  
FROHIKE: Yup.  
  
SCULLY (suddenly remembering something): Oh, my gosh-golly!!  
  
MULDER: What is it, Scully?!  
  
SCULLY: I forgot!!  
  
MULDER: You forgot what?  
  
SCULLY: I was supposed to meet Agent Doggett in the health food aisle!! I got sidetracked!!  
  
MULDER (rolling his eyes): Oh, you mean that jerk Capt. Janeway's so protective of?  
  
LANGLY: Shhhhhh!! (in a frightened whisper:) Don't you know what she does to people who insult  
him?!  
  
FROHIKE: I heard that she casts them into the Lake of Killed-off Characters!!  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Yeah, right, like there's really such a thing as a Lake of Killed-off Characters!  
  
SCULLY (in a New York accent similar to DOGGETT's): Cut it out, Mulder!! Quit insultin' Capt.  
Janeway!  
  
(MULDER and the Lone Gunmen look at SCULLY quizzically.)  
  
SCULLY (a little embarrassed): Sorry . . . been hanging around the new guy too much . . .   
  
MULDER (skeptically): Uh-huh . . . Anyway, let's go find that jerk--   
  
BYERS, LANGLY, FROHIKE, & SCULLY: MULDER!!!!!  
  
MULDER: --uh, (with the words dripping with hatred:) model citizen.  
  
SCULLY: Right! Let's go!  
  
LANGLY: He could be anywhere!  
  
FROHIKE: Maybe we should split-up.  
  
SCULLY: Good idea, Frohike. Mulder, I'll have you in my group . . . we can look in the produce  
aisle.  
  
FROHIKE: We can go to the bread aisle . . .  
  
BYERS: I thought he was supposed to meet Scully in the health food aisle?  
  
SCULLY: Does anybody here care?  
  
(Nobody objects.)  
  
MULDER: Okay, everyone, let's go!!  
  
(They all go their separate ways . . .)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back at the gum ball machine. DOGGETT's still there:)  
  
DOGGETT (getting very frustrated with the gum ball machine): COME ON, YOU STUPID THING!!   
GIVE ME THE DARN GUM BALL!!! I PUT IN A QUARTER, OKAY?!?!?! (he gives the gum  
ball machine yet another nice kick:) ARGH!!! DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! I GAVE YOU THE  
QUARTER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: In the Produce Aisle with MULDER and SCULLY. SCULLY is looking around  
presumably for DOGGETT, while MULDER inspects a kiwi fruit:)  
  
MULDER (angrily): Stupid New Zealanders!! They have no idea how to grow proper kiwi!!  
  
(Disgusted, MULDER throws the kiwi fruit back onto the stand.)  
  
SCULLY: What're you talking about, Mulder?  
  
MULDER: Kiwi!! Haven't you ever had kiwi fruit before?  
  
SCULLY: No . . .   
  
MULDER: It's really good . . . if it's grown right.  
  
SCULLY (resuming her search for DOGGETT): Mmmmm.  
  
MULDER: Scully?  
  
SCULLY (annoyed): What now, Mulder?  
  
MULDER: Ummm . . . y'know, I've been gone for a very long time . . .   
  
SCULLY (her attention focused elsewhere): Uh-huh . . .  
  
MULDER: . . . And it's not easy being stuck on a stupid UFO and all . . .   
  
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .  
  
MULDER: . . . So, I kinda think it'd be nice if I got a hug or something . . .   
  
SCULLY (her attention still focused elsewhere): Uh-huh . . .  
  
MULDER (testing her): . . . And I think that my actor is considering leaving the show again . . .  
  
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .   
  
MULDER (taking advantage of the situation): Hey, Scully?  
  
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .  
  
MULDER: Can I have a few thousand dollars? I'm kinda late in paying my rent, so I could really use  
the extra cash.  
  
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .   
  
MULDER: Hey, thanks. You're the best!! (pretending to be suddenly remembering:) Oh! And  
Scully?  
  
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .   
  
MULDER (grinning deviously): Can we go out to some really nice expensive restaurant after this?  
  
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .  
  
MULDER: Your treat? Like I said, my rent's putting a nice dent in my budget . . .  
  
SCULLY: Uh (catching herself) Wait a minute!! If we're going to an expensive restaurant, then it's  
going to be YOUR treat!!  
  
MULDER (caught off-guard): What?! Why?  
  
SCULLY: 'Cause you're the guy, and guys always have to pay.  
  
MULDER (in a whiny voice): Always?  
  
SCULLY: Always. (clearing her throat:) So. Where are we going?  
  
MULDER: What?!  
  
SCULLY: You invited me!! I'm going.  
  
MULDER: Going where?  
  
SCULLY: That's what I'm asking you.  
  
MULDER: Yeah, but I don't know where.  
  
SCULLY: But, that's what I'm asking you!!  
  
MULDER: I know that Scully! I'm not deaf!!  
  
SCULLY: So, where are we going?  
  
MULDER: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever.  
  
SCULLY: Well, we have to decide on SOMETHING, Mulder.  
  
MULDER (hopefully): And what if we can't decide on something?  
  
SCULLY: Then I get to pick out the most expensive, elite restaurant in Washington, D.C.  
  
MULDER (as the blood drains from his face): Ummm . . . okay. Well, uh, where would you like to  
go?  
  
SCULLY: Well, I was kind of thinking about this one place . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Yep, you guessed it: back with DOGGETT, who is now physically exhausted from  
kicking the gum ball machine so much. He is panting heavily and wiping the sweat off his brow, but he's  
still weakly kicking the gum ball machine with what little strength he has left:)  
  
DOGGETT (in a very frail voice): Why, you stupid . . . (pant!!) no good . . . (pant!! pant!!) gum ball  
machine . . . why, I oughta . . . (pant!!) just reach in there and take the . . . (pant!!) darn quarter right  
out of that little coin box of yours . . . (pant!! pant!!) Mmmmmmmmmm . . .  
  
(DOGGETT collapses on the floor, too tired to stand up anymore. A LITTLE KID passes by  
and, wondering whether poor DOGGETT is dead, picks up a stick from the floor and pokes  
DOGGETT with it a little:)  
  
DOGGETT (exhausted): Stop . . . stop that, please . . . I'm so very tired . . . stop . . .  
  
****************************************************************************** 


	2. . . . And the End of the Pandemonium.

(Setting: With BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE in the bread aisle. FROHIKE looks around  
him nervously. When nobody's looking including BYERS and LANGLY, he opens a package of  
bread sticks, takes out two, and holds them over his head like they're antennae.)  
  
FROHIKE: Hey, guys, look at this!  
  
(BYERS and LANGLY look at FROHIKE.)  
  
FROHIKE (in a high-pitched alien-like voice): I come in peace!!  
  
LANGLY (laughing): Hey, that's pretty cool!! Let me try!!  
  
(LANGLY grabs the package of bread sticks and does the same thing with two more bread  
sticks.)  
  
BYERS (annoyed): Guys, cut it out!! We're supposed to be looking for that Doggett guy . . .   
  
(Suddenly, from around the corner, our three favorite friends from the Conspiracy appear:  
KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN:)  
  
KRYCEK (carefully examining each loaf of bread): No, no . . . Orowheat's no good . . . I'm looking  
for Colombo or Country Hearth . . .  
  
CSM: Do you want Colombo or Country Hearth? Do you really?  
  
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!  
  
(LANGLY, meanwhile, sneaks up behind KRYCEK, with the bread sticks still in his  
possession. He taps KRYCEK on the shoulder, and holds the bread sticks over his head as  
KRYCEK turns to look at him:)  
  
LANGLY (in his own version of FROHIKE's high-pitched alien voice): I come in peace!!  
  
KRYCEK (completely serious as he points to CSM): Talk to him. He's the leader.  
  
LANGLY (still using the high-pitched voice): Okay.  
  
(LANGLY walks up to CSM, while BYERS, who has been watching all of this, slaps his  
forehead.)  
  
LANGLY (again with the voice): I come in peace!!  
  
CSM: Do you come in peace? Do you really?  
  
LANGLY (confused, but still using his alien voice): Ummm . . . I don't know. I come in peace!!  
  
MARITA: Oh, never mind. It's just a dopey guy with long hair.  
  
KRYCEK: Hey, aren't you one of the Lone Gunmen?  
  
LANGLY: Yeah!! Those are my pals Frohike and Byers over there!  
  
(LANGLY points to them. FROHIKE excitedly jumps up and down as he waves to them,  
while BYERS slaps his forehead in frustration at his friends' stupidity again.)  
  
KRYCEK (not entirely sure what to make of the situation): Uh, hi.  
  
MARITA (rolling her eyes): What a bunch of weirdos!!  
  
CSM: Do you think they're a bunch of weirdos, Marita? Do you really?  
  
KRYCEK & MARITA: SHUT-UP!!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: With . . . surprise! surprise! the Almighty Agent DOGGETT. He is still on the  
floor, exhausted. The LITTLE KID is still poking him with the stick. the little brat!! I should teach  
him a lesson . . . Oh, fine! Here we go again . . . Suddenly, CAPT. JANEWAY the author of this  
fic, not the one portrayed by Kate Mulgrew appears out of nowhere with a scowl on her face:)  
  
JANEWAY: Hey, kid, don't do that, please! That's the Almighty Agent Doggett!!  
  
(DOGGETT gives a little moan.)  
  
LITTLE KID: Who are you?  
  
JANEWAY (menacingly): Listen, kid, if you know what's best for you, then you'll beat it.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Because Agent Doggett is my all-time favorite X-Files character.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Because he's not a wimp.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Because that's how Chris Carter wanted him.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Don't question perfection, kiddo.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Doggett's perfect, and that's all that needs to be said.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY (dryly): You just don't know when to shut-up, do you?  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Because I'm the all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-hearing author of this fic who has no clue  
as to why she even thought of creating such an annoying character like you. So, get out of here.   
Please.  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: I mean it!!!!! LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: ARGH!!!! SHUT-UP!!  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: OUT!!! OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU BECOME THE FIRST KID IN THE  
HISTORY OF X-FILES TO ACTUALLY DIE!!!!!!!  
  
LITTLE KID: Why?  
  
(JANEWAY, who just can't take it anymore, grabs the LITTLE KID by the shoulder and  
drags him to a check-out stand.)  
  
JANEWAY (to the clerk at the check-out stand): Look, if anybody wants to buy a kid, they can have  
this one for five dollars.   
  
(JANEWAY walks back to DOGGETT, who gives another little groan.)   
  
JANEWAY: You okay, Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT (wincing in pain): Ahhhhhhhh . . .   
  
JANEWAY: Okay . . . Let me see if I can find a chair for you . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: With MULDER and SCULLY in the produce aisle. SCULLY is still trying to decide  
on which super expensive restaurant she wants to go to, while MULDER tries to look for a way to  
ditch her so he doesn't have to pay all that money:)  
  
SCULLY (thinking aloud): Hmmmmm . . . then there's always the Gilded Saucepan . . .   
  
MULDER (desperate to get himself out of this mess): How about McDonald's, like those kids from  
prom in the commercials?  
  
SCULLY (giving him the famous "Scully look of death"): I'm not even going to dignify that with an  
answer, Mulder. Anyway, the Gilded Saucepan might be nice . . .   
  
MULDER: Translation: expensive--  
  
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER): . . . Although I've heard that the food there can get a bit greasy . . .  
  
MULDER (looking heavenward): Here we go again . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: In the bread aisle with KRYCEK, MARITA, the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN,  
and the Lone Gunmen. LANGLY is still going from person to person with the bread sticks claiming  
that he comes in peace which I seriously doubt is true. BYERS is trying very hard to blend-in with  
the wall, while FROHIKE tries talking with KRYCEK. KRYCEK, however, looks like he'd rather be  
doing anything else besides this; MARITA has a compact out and is checking the status of her hair and  
makeup in the little mirror. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is, well, smoking a cigarette.)  
  
FROHIKE (excitedly chattering away): . . . And you'll NEVER guess the nifty little gizmo I found out  
about when I hacked into the CIA's database the other day!!  
  
KRYCEK (trying to come up with an excuse to leave): Um, yeah. You're right. I won't. Now, if you  
don't mind, I've got to get my, uh, wallet out of the car . . . I won't be able to pay for my bread if I don't  
have it with me . . .   
  
FROHIKE: Great!! I'll go with you!!  
  
KRYCEK (desperate to get away from FROHIKE): Uh, that's--that's okay. You don't need to. I'll  
be right back.  
  
FROHIKE: You sure?  
  
KRYCEK (deadpan): Very.  
  
(KRYCEK walks toward the front of the supermarket, but stops when he gets to MARITA:)  
  
KRYCEK (whispering): Let's get out of here, Marita! That weirdo Frohike is freaking me out . . .   
  
MARITA (snapping the compact closed and putting it into her purse): What about C.G.B.?  
  
KRYCEK (glancing at CSM): The Smokestack? Aw, forget about him. He can find his own way  
back.  
  
MARITA (unsure): I don't know, Alex . . .  
  
KRYCEK (anxiously): Well, hurry up and decide, because Frohike's going to want to talk to me again  
. . .   
  
MARITA: All right! I'll go with you.  
  
(MARITA and KRYCEK run to the front of the store, while the CIGARETTE-SMOKING  
MAN pulls out another cigarette and lights it.)  
  
BYERS: Uh, Mister Cigarette-Smoking Person Sir?  
  
CSM: Do you want to talk to me? Do you really?  
  
BYERS: Yeah, uh, I'd like to ask you to please put out your cigarette.   
  
CSM (scowling): Do you want me to put out my cigarette? Do you really?  
  
BYERS (not very sure if he wants to talk to CSM anymore): Uh . . . Yeah . . . that'd be nice . . .  
  
CSM: Do you think that would be nice? Do you really?  
  
BYERS: Why do always answer my questions with more questions?  
  
CSM: Are you puzzled as to why I always answer your questions with more questions? Are you  
really?  
  
LANGLY (interrupting): I come in peace!!  
  
BYERS (to LANGLY): Shut-up!!  
  
CSM: Do you want him to shut-up? Do you really?  
  
BYERS: That goes for you, too!!  
  
FROHIKE (searching for KRYCEK): Hey, Byers?  
  
BYERS: WHAT?! EVERYONE JUST SHUT-UP!!!!! SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!! I DON'T  
WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!!! THAT APPLIES  
TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
FROHIKE (quietly): Nothing?  
  
LANGLY (quietly): I come in peace?  
  
BYERS: Nothing!!! Zip, zero, nada, nothing!!!! And you're lying, Langly!!! You aren't coming in  
peace!!!! You are disturbing me!!!!  
  
CSM: Is he disturbing you? Is he really?  
  
BYERS: SHUT-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back with DOGGETT and CAPT. JANEWAY. DOGGETT is now weakly  
standing up, muttering about how much he wants to kill the gum ball machine. JANEWAY is trying to  
figure what the heck she can do to expedite the plot a bit.)   
  
DOGGETT: Hmmm. Well, what're we going to do now?  
  
JANEWAY (thinking): Well . . . (suddenly getting an idea:) Why don't we head on over to the produce  
aisle? (grinning knowingly:) I have a feeling something's about to happen there . . .  
  
DOGGETT (suspiciously): Really.  
  
JANEWAY (still grinning): Really.  
  
DOGGETT (still suspicious): All right. Let's go.  
  
(DOGGETT and JANEWAY walk toward the produce aisle.)  
  
JANEWAY (thinking): Hmmmm . . . I'll have to find a way to get all the other characters to the  
produce aisle, too . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Back in the bread aisle with the Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING  
MAN. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is nervously puffing away at his cigarettes, trying to  
figure out what's taking MARITA and KRYCEK so long. BYERS is still angry with the world about  
the fact that it's impossible to carry on a normal conversation with the CIGARETTE-SMOKING  
MAN; LANGLY and FROHIKE are very tired from running around with their bread sticks, and they  
sit down on the floor and start playing "rock, paper, scissors.")  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically):  
One-two-three-rock-paper-SCISSORS!!!!  
  
(LANGLY has his hand out flat to represent paper; FROHIKE makes a fist to represent rock.   
FROHIKE uses his fist to hit LANGLY's "paper.")  
  
LANGLY: Hey!! What're you doing?!  
  
FROHIKE: I had rock!!  
  
LANGLY: Yeah, but paper covers rock!!  
  
FROHIKE: Nah-ah!! Rock destroys everything!!  
  
LANGLY: Really?  
  
FROHIKE: Really.  
  
LANGLY: Okay. Let's try again, then.  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically again):  
One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!  
  
(LANGLY and FROHIKE both have fists to represent rock.)  
  
LANGLY: Rock!!  
  
FROHIKE: Rock!!  
  
LANGLY: Redo!!  
  
FROHIKE: Redo!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically): One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!  
  
(Again, both have fists.)  
  
LANGLY: Rock!!  
  
FROHIKE: Rock!!  
  
LANGLY: Redo!!  
  
FROHIKE: Redo!!  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically): One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!  
  
(Both have fists yet again. They agree to a redo, as BYERS finally gets fed-up with remaining  
in the company of jerks:)  
  
BYERS: I am finally fed-up with remaining in the company of jerks!!! I'm going to the produce aisle.  
  
(BYERS starts to head toward the produce aisle. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, after  
giving it some thought, decides to follow BYERS. LANGLY and FROHIKE don't notice the fact that  
they've left, however, as they've now given-up at "rock, paper, scissors," and start eating the bread  
sticks and looking for some soda to take care of their thirst.)  
  
LANGLY: I say we get Mountain Dew.  
  
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!!  
  
LANGLY (menacingly): Mountain Dew!!  
  
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!!  
  
LANGLY: Mountain Dew!!  
  
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!  
  
LANGLY: MOUNTAIN DEW!!!  
  
FROHIKE: SEVEN-UP!!!!!  
  
LANGLY (suddenly focusing his attention elsewhere): Hey, Frohike?  
  
FROHIKE: What is it, Langly?  
  
LANGLY: I have this sudden urge to go to the produce aisle . . . Idunno why . . .  
  
FROHIKE: That's weird . . . I have one too . . .  
  
LANGLY: Well, let's go . . .   
  
FROHIKE: Okay.  
  
(LANGLY and FROHIKE exit toward the produce aisle.)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: With MARITA and KRYCEK in their car. KRYCEK is driving, and MARITA is  
almost asleep in the front passenger seat. KRYCEK is droning on and on about something that we  
can't figure out; he, however, finds the subject very interesting.)  
  
KRYCEK: . . . So I said to Norm, I said, I said . . . (suddenly having his attention drawn elsewhere:)  
Hey, Marita?  
  
MARITA (sleepily): Yeah, Alex?  
  
KRYCEK: I suddenly have this weird urge to . . . to . . .   
  
MARITA: To what?  
  
KRYCEK: . . . To . . . go back to the grocery store and go to the produce aisle.  
  
MARITA: Oh. (thinking:) You know, it's funny you mention that, Alex, because I want to do that, too.   
I don't know why . . .  
  
KRYCEK: You want to go back?  
  
MARITA: Why not?  
  
(KRYCEK makes a U-turn toward Unpack & Spend . . .)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Just a few aisles away from the produce aisle. DOGGETT and JANEWAY are still  
walking:)  
  
JANEWAY: There!! Now everybody's on their way to the produce aisle.  
  
DOGGETT: How do you know that for sure?  
  
JANEWAY: I'm the all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful author of this fic . . . Everything that  
happens is a product of my imagination.  
  
DOGGETT (aghast): You mean, YOU made that little kid poke me with a stick?! I can understand  
Mulder clobbering me on the head with a driver, like in your last fic, but a kid poking me with a stick?!   
What kind of a sick, twisted author are you?!?!  
  
JANEWAY (shrugging): To the readers, it was kinda funny.  
  
DOGGETT: Remind me to start a boycott of your fics.  
  
JANEWAY: How are you going to do that? I'm the only author who speaks to you. All the others are  
mean and rude and ignore you. Haven't you ever read any of those horribly mushy MSR fics that don't  
even acknowledge your existence?  
  
DOGGETT (narrowing his eyes): I'll find a way . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: In the produce aisle. MULDER is now examining the oranges, while SCULLY still  
tries to decide on which expensive restaurant she wants to eat at. Suddenly, MARITA and KRYCEK  
enter from around a corner:)  
  
MARITA: Well, now that we're here, what're we going to do?  
  
KRYCEK: Hmmmm . . . I don't know, Marita.  
  
SCULLY (suddenly spotting MARITA and KRYCEK): Hey, Mulder!! Look!! It's your favorite  
punching-bag and his girlfriend!!!  
  
MULDER (excitedly): Krycek and Marita?! Where?!?  
  
(KRYCEK tries to signal to SCULLY to shut-up, while MARITA hides behind a stand of  
plums. Unfortunately, SCULLY pays no attention to KRYCEK:)  
  
SCULLY (pointing): Over there, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Oh!! I see them, Scully!!  
  
KRYCEK (pleading with the ceiling): Take me!!! Take me now, please!!! I can't undergo this  
punishment again!! Please!!  
  
MULDER (walking over to KRYCEK): Man, this is going to feel SOOOOOO good!! It's been  
forever since the last time I beat you up!!  
  
KRYCEK (desperate to find a good excuse to keep MULDER away): Hey, Mulder!! Y'know, you've  
got to have a motive in order to punch me!!  
  
MULDER: Really? Well, in that case, I've got lots . . .   
  
KRYCEK (nervously): Uh . . . really?  
  
MULDER: Well, for starters, I think you're a back-stabbing jerk who has an equally unreliable idiot for  
a girlfriend . . .   
  
MARITA (yelling out from behind the plum stand): Hey!!! Watch your mouth, Mulder!!  
  
KRYCEK: Yeah, watch it!!  
  
MULDER: No, YOU watch it!!  
  
KRYCEK: I won't watch it unless you watch it!!!  
  
MULDER: Oh yeah?!  
  
KRYCEK: Yeah!!  
  
MULDER: Oh yeah?!  
  
KRYCEK: Yeah!!  
  
MULDER: All right, you asked for it!!!  
  
(MULDER grabs KRYCEK by the shoulders and throws him right on top of a nice pile of  
broccoli. KRYCEK yelps in pain, while SCULLY and MARITA both decide that now is an excellent  
time to grab a bag of trail mix and watch the show. KRYCEK leaps off of the broccoli pile and rams  
right into MULDER, who falls to the ground. Unfortunately for KRYCEK, MULDER gets right back  
up and slams KRYCEK up against the plum stand, behind which SCULLY and MARITA are sitting.   
The plum stand falls toward SCULLY and MARITA, but they and their bags of trail mix get away  
from the plum stand just in time. While SCULLY and MARITA run to the banana rack, KRYCEK  
futilely kicks his legs. MULDER manages to evade them and grabs KRYCEK by the neck. Suddenly,  
CAPT. JANEWAY and DOGGETT come around the corner to find out what all the commotion is  
about:)  
  
SCULLY & MARITA (chanting as they enthusiastically pump their fists in the air and eat their trail  
mix): Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!  
  
DOGGETT (very pleased with himself): Well what do you know? I found Mulder!! Maybe I'll get that  
pay raise after all!!  
  
JANEWAY (rushing to MULDER and KRYCEK): Woah, Mulder!!! Now, I know you like to  
beat-up Krycek, but killing him? That's a bit much, Mulder. Just let go of Krycek's neck.  
  
SCULLY & MARITA: Noooooo!! Let them fight!!  
  
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway, who usually wins these fights?  
  
JANEWAY: Mulder.  
  
DOGGETT: Well, in that case, I guess it wouldn't hurt to watch 'em fight . . . Long as I can show  
Skinner that I did indeed find Mulder . . . (to himself:) I wonder how MUCH of a pay raise I'll be  
getting . . .   
  
JANEWAY (choosing to ignore everyone's comments as she is the omnipotent author of this fic):  
Look, Mulder. Just . . . put . . . Krycek . . . down. Okay?  
  
MULDER: Why?  
  
JANEWAY: Because if you kill him, he won't be around for you to beat up anymore.  
  
MULDER: Hmmmm . . . you do have a point there . . .   
  
SCULLY & MARITA: Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!  
  
(Suddenly, the Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN enter:)  
  
BYERS (confused): What the heck?!  
  
LANGLY: Wow!!  
  
FROHIKE: It looks like the WWF here!!  
  
CSM: Do you think it looks like the WWF here? Do you really?  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT CSM: SHUT-UP!!!  
  
JANEWAY: Hey, Mulder, I got a proposition for you, if you're willing to hear me out.  
  
MULDER: Okay . . .   
  
JANEWAY: If you let Krycek go, you can kill the Cigarette-Smoking Man.  
  
MULDER (his eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Really?! It seems like everybody's killed him off the  
show except for me!!  
  
JANEWAY: Well, here's your chance.  
  
MULDER: It's a deal!!  
  
(MULDER releases KRYCEK, who gently rubs his neck where MULDER had been holding  
him. MULDER now approaches the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN:)  
  
CSM (nervously puffing at a cigarette): Do you want to beat me up? Do you really?  
  
MULDER (grinning): Oh, yes, I do.  
  
(MULDER prepares to take a swing at the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, but before he  
does, there is a little "DING-DING" noise that can just barely be heard. Distracted, both MULDER  
and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN try to find the source of the noise. Finally, those little misters  
that keep the produce fresh come on, except they aren't producing mist: they're producing buckets and  
buckets of water. Everyone tries to get out of the way especially MARITA, who is very concerned  
about ruining her hair and clothing, but pretty soon the produce aisle starts to flood. The  
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN takes advantage of the opportunity to grab a cardboard box  
containing cabbage, dump the cabbage on the floor or rather, into the water on the floor, get inside,  
and use it as a boat to help him escape. The water is now about up to everyone's shoulders:)  
  
SCULLY (desperately): Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway, if you're the author, then WHY THE HECK ARE YOU  
THREATENING MY PAY RAISE?!?!  
  
JANEWAY (shrugging): Idunno. Help me out of this icky water, will you?  
  
DOGGETT (grudgingly): Oh, fine, here.  
  
(DOGGETT swims to the plum stand which is now floating quite nicely, climbs on top of it,  
and pulls JANEWAY on top. Just as he does so, we watch the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN  
float by in his little cardboard box, with the Lone Gunmen hanging on to its sides. Unfortunately for the  
quartet, the cardboard box is taking on a significant amount of water, due to the fact that it is  
cardboard, and not very valuable when it gets wet. The camera cuts away to the banana rack where  
MULDER, SCULLY, KRYCEK, and MARITA are:)  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MARITA (screaming): ALEX!!  
  
KRYCEK (concerned): Marita!! What's wrong?! Can you swim?! Are you drowning?!  
  
MARITA (still screaming): MY DESIGNER CLOTHES ARE RUINED BY THIS DISGUSTING  
WATER!!!! RUINED!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!  
  
KRYCEK: Uh, yeah, that's uh . . . just terrible, Marita.  
  
MULDER (continuing): Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
(Suddenly, the banana rack starts to float away toward the plum stand. It bumps into the plum  
stand with a violent jolt that sends KRYCEK, DOGGETT, and SCULLY into the water.)  
  
JANEWAY: Doggett!!  
  
DOGGETT (absolutely irate): WHAT THE HECK KIND OF A CRAZY AUTHOR ARE  
YOU?!?!?!?! IF YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FAN OF MINE, WHY DO YOU PUT ME IN THESE  
STUPID SITUATIONS?!?!?!?!???!?! MAKE THIS INSANITY STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!   
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
MARITA: Alex!!!  
  
KRYCEK: Marita!!  
  
MARITA: Grab onto the asparagus stand!!! It's floating pretty well!!  
  
(KRYCEK grabs onto the asparagus stand and climbs on top.)  
  
MULDER (reaching dramatically for SCULLY): SCULLY!!  
  
SCULLY: MULDER!!  
  
MULDER: Grab my hand!!  
  
SCULLY: I can't, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
JANEWAY: Hang on, Doggett!! Go to the asparagus stand with Krycek!! It's your best bet!!  
  
DOGGETT: WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT THE WATER DRAINING  
OUT OF THE STORE INTO YOUR FIC?!?!?! YOU ARE THE AUTHOR, AREN'T YOU?!??!?  
  
JANEWAY (thinking): Hey, that's actually a pretty good idea . . .   
  
(The Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN go by in their little cardboard  
box::)  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing): . . I'm . . . Popeye the Sai-lor Man!! Popeye the Sai-lor Man!! . . .  
  
BYERS (through clenched teeth): Shut-up!!  
  
CSM: Do you want them to shut-up? Do you really?  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Go to the asparagus stand!!  
  
SCULLY: I can't!! The current's too strong, Mulder!!  
  
DOGGETT: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! DO SOMETHING, CAPT. JANEWAY!!!!!!  
  
JANEWAY (thinking): Ummm . . . okay . . . lemme see . . .  
  
(JANEWAY whips out a little soggy notepad and a pencil and starts writing some more.  
Suddenly, the water starts to drain out of the store, through the doors, and into the parking lot. Soon,  
there is no water left in the produce aisle, but there is debris strewn everywhere, and all the characters  
are sopping wet. MULDER and SCULLY hug:)  
  
SCULLY: Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Scully!!  
  
(KRYCEK and MARITA hug:)  
  
MARITA: Alex!!  
  
KRYCEK: Marita!!  
  
(The Lone Gunmen stare at each other:)  
  
BYERS (menacingly): Don't even THINK of hugging me, you idiots!!  
  
LANGLY: Hey, look!! The Smoking Guy!!  
  
FROHIKE: He's dead!!  
  
(The Lone Gunmen walk over to where the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is lying next to  
the soggy cardboard box.)  
  
BYERS: That's strange . . . I wonder HOW exactly he died. I didn't notice anything in particular that  
could've killed him . . .  
  
DOGGETT: That's much better. Remind me not to participate in another one of your fics if I can help  
it.  
  
JANEWAY (horrified): But, you can't do that!! I've got you in mind for my next fic!! It'll be great!!!   
Please? I'll be nicer in the next one . . .  
  
DOGGETT (unsure): I don't know . . .   
  
JANEWAY: Please?  
  
DOGGETT: Oh, fine. I guess it couldn't hurt.  
  
JANEWAY: Yay!!!!! (menacingly:) Just wait until you see what I'm going to do in my NEXT fic!!   
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!  
  
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND  
  
Didja like my fic? Whether your opinion is good or bad, please let me know by REVIEWING!!!!   
Thanx!! ;)   



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